The Best Advice Regarding Grieving and Loss

Hi,

I write this because I was led to a Go Fund Me page via the obituary in the newspaper. It always breaks my heart when it's a young person. 

I have extreme empathy. I lost my son, Micheal in 2001 to the “choking game”. It was an accidental, but self-inflicted death. He was almost 19. Through the devastation of that loss, I have turned it to something positive by doing grief counseling for parents who have lost children, at no charge. I don't know if you would want to ever take advantage of this, but I'm available if you would and you can contact me via commenting below with an email address because I can't post my # here... 
Please do as you wish. I do not even expect a comment/reply. You have enough on your plate. Do things at your own pace because this is hard enough without feeling obligated.

Whether you take advantage of that or not, I have this to offer:

1. Never let anyone tell you when to grieve, how to grieve, or for how long.  -  There are stages to grief, yes. But they do not have to be in any specific order and if you skip one, don't worry about it. To me, the stages of one person’s grief is not the same as others. Our circumstances are unique and we are all unique. 

2. Never let anyone tell you to “get over it”!  - WE ARE FOREVER CHANGED! It doesn't go away, but it does get softer with time.

3. Forgive yourself and know that you are doing the best you can as you’re battling to get through the hardest struggle you will ever, ever face. 

4. You will find that people say the stupidest things. - Just know that they say those things because they don't know what else to say because they have never faced that kind of loss. They mean well and want to be helpful. We have to be glad they don't understand. I recall wanting to stab people in the eye for telling me he was in a better place, or the WORST- "Heaven needed another Angel". 🙄 I was already grouchy though, so maybe that's just me. I still feel that way though.

5. Some people will avoid you. Those people don't know what to say, because like the people who say stupid things,  they probably never suffered a similar loss, so they avoid you because they're afraid if they say anything it's going to trigger something that will make you sad. 

6. Say their name often! It seems that people can't grasp that you want to hear the stories, and you want to hear their name and see every photo! The ones that you have are all that you have from this point forward and if they have some to share, it may be something you've never seen before that might spark joy. People need to be educated that you desire these things and that it's not something that hurts even if it makes you cry. It's a bittersweet thing. 

We’re all different, but we all deserve recognition AND the understanding that at times we’d prefer to be left alone when we want to be left alone while we face this trauma -it’s all about respecting boundaries. In time, as the shock wears off, we begin to evolve with it and adapt to it... because we certainly can't change it (or we certainly WOULD!). 

Take deep breaths. This heavy heartache causes  us to breathe shallow. 

Drink lots of water so you don’t dehydrate.

Be kind to yourself. 

I wish you all the very best. You’re a member now of the club no one ever wants to join. You’re forever changed . That's unavoidable, and it’s OK. Our job is just to make the most of what we can with what we have left. 

With heartfelt empathy, 

R