Thinking out loud - a rant

WARNING:

This is kind of a rant - thinking "out loud" I suppose.
I need to blog a lot more, but I don’t, and I need to “journal”, but I don’t ... It’s just really difficult for me to do that (distracted, no focus, etc...) so once in awhile I’ll write it out. Pass it by if you don’t wanna read it. If I were someone else, I doubt I’d want to!

It’s after 8:00 a.m. on a Thursday & I haven't slept since 3:00 o'clock Tuesday afternoon.
I always feel tired - but I have insomnia and I don't feel sleepy. But I constantly feel/am exhausted.
I have Epstein Barr Virus/chronic fatigue, so this is an ongoing battle. I absolutely hate it.

I slept until 3:00 PM Tuesday because I didn't go to bed until 5:00 a.m. If I can fall out and get into a good deep sleep, I can sleep for 10-12 hours only waking up a few times to empty the bladder. It's the falling into the deep sleep that's the problem.

I have GERD and a Hiatal hernia, so I used to wake up a lot choking on regurgitation (SO GROSS!!!) and it burned horribly. It is much less now because, even though I was told to stop taking the bad-for-you Nexium, I went back on it. I mean it was that, or this stuff causing the horrible, possible cancer causing constant throat irritation or aspirating from the night reflux and getting possible pneumonia.

Lately, I've noticed that I have restless legs in a way. I mean, I don't know what restless legs really are - All I know is with mine, it's a strange sensation almost like a twitch - but they're not twitchy - but then I have to move them because that sensation is there. It’s crazy! I've never had this issue before. I don't take medication really, just the Nexium and Trazodone to sleep, which used to be a 100 mg pill and has been upped to 300 mg’s and STILL won’t work like it should and the other thing is, it will not keep me asleep if I get to sleep. Usually 2-3 hours is all. I've been on that for years (I have tried other meds and nothing really works. The natural OTC stuff is a joke), so I don't know what the new twitchy feeling is. Are they putting new junk in the pills? Hmmm... Something to ponder and it wouldn’t surprise me. 

Maybe it's because I've gained so much weight. I have so much stuff wrong with my back and feet (high arches, fat pad atrophy, bunions, tumors/Morton's Neuromas, Ganglion cysts) I can barely walk, and it hurts, so I still try to do as much as I can do but I have learned not to push past a certain point. I used to not know what that point was. I never had to care about what that point was. I've had no choice but to learn, or I pay for overdoing for DAYS after. I was always super strong and very healthy until my late 40's. The past 10 years have been a slow, steady decline and the past 5 have really been a much faster decline.

I was a live-in caregiver for a couple. I was on call 24/7 with very little backup/relief. THAT is when this really started happening so fast. I did it all. Appointments, showering, cooking, laundry (lots of bedding especially), cleaning (a lady did come in once a week for a 1-time thing), lifting, changing, dressing, EVERYTHING. It killed me. I loved them and it was rewarding, and I miss them (they’re gone now), but that 1-year stint took 10 years off my life. It’s not for sissies!

Recently, I thought that I literally broke my back or my right hip. I think it was a slipped disc? It took two weeks of sitting in a chair not knowing what to do before it began to slightly get better. I live alone and have no help. I rarely ever cry, but the pain and having to function to try to get a meal of some sort, work (yes, I have a job, thankfully mostly at a desk), use the restroom and bathe (I didn’t until I couldn’t stand it anymore and could smell myself, which is disgusting, but the pain to get in and out of the tub was excruciating!) was horrible. I went an entire week before I made it to empty the way overfull mailbox (thanks, politicians who sent all your junk I throw directly in the trash) ...  I guess it's not gonna get all the way better, but it's to a point where I can get up and function again but now if I need to bend over I have to hold on to something and go very slow and not strain that place in my low back/hip area. It's between the spine and the hip is what it feels like and I'm beginning to think that my hip may need to be replaced. It's always something! 

I'm 61 years old I don't have any health insurance so I can't afford to see a doctor. I recently sliced two fingers, one day apart (yay! New knives!) and one of them for sure needed stitches and the other one probably did. I have become a champion bandage and Boo-Boo specialist over the years. I kid you not, surgical glue and waterproof tape are wonderful things. I'm meticulously clean, so I've never gotten an infection from my own doctoring, so at least there's that.

Recently I think I found a lump in my breast (it’s sore there, too). I've pondered that. Should I see a doctor? The obvious answer for me is no. Because if I did, they would want me to go get tests and I can't afford it. I have a job that offers no health insurance. I am happy to be employed though! I HAD health insurance with Blue Cross Blue Shield for a year, but they upped my rates for no reason - I barely used it at all. I couldn’t afford co-pays, so I went in only if I HAD TO, which amounted to twice in one year.

I suffer A LOT with the foot issues (I had an opportunity to have surgery but opted out due to needing to be able to work) and the back issues. I have arthritis all over my body and my hands & fingers are starting to get all gnarled, too. I hate pain meds, so I face all of it and deal. 

We were never ones to run to a Dr. – We couldn’t afford to, but more so, my dad was a rough, tough cowboy and we learned to make it through all sorts of things that probably should have been checked by a Dr. – But us "kids" are all still alive, and serious warriors, lol. Unfortunately, I grew up in Dysfunction Junction, so we are not close-knit. It's weird. We love each other and most of us don't fued, but we rarely talk or see each other. It's a mixed (up, lol) family with a lot of marriages (not at the same time, ha-ha) and also illegitimate children, so it is a confusing dynamic. 

But back to the insurance thing - I had to drop it. I live paycheck to paycheck and barely have enough left after paying all my bills to get groceries. So, if it is breast cancer, I wouldn't know what to do. I mean if I went, they’d want me to get the tests and if I got the tests and had anything, then they want me to do treatments and I just think... what the hell? Maybe I just am better off not knowing. I'm rambling. . . I'm really tired. But by golly, I'm not sleepy!

If you suffered through reading this, thank you. I live alone and have no one else I can really vent to. Just me & the keyboard! 

P.S.- I really like being alone. But the older I get, the scarier it becomes. Death is okay with me, but the not knowing how long I'll be dead before someone finds me is a concern. Death would at least be an escape from the battles with pain and insomnia.